The Press Release
by Adred Lightfoot
Summary: ONE SHOT: Snape's birthday is announced in the press and causes him all kinds of problems with lovesick fans. His response? A press release.


_This will make better sense if I point out that PRESTO is a guild on Fiction Alley, dedicated to Non!Fluffy Snape, and for which I hold the position of Snarky Publicity Agent._

_I unapologetically wrote us into a fic following Severus' birthday announcement on JKR's website, to underline the generally unattractive Severus/Rickman fangirl activity in fandom. Rickman is a sexy bugger, but he's not canon!_

**The Press Release**

"Lightfoot, take a dictation. Owl it to The Daily Prophet, the Quibbler, and whilst you're at it you might as well give a copy to that pack of rabid dunderheads that I repeatedly find hanging around the dungeons.

"Oh, pick up your quill, Lightfoot! Where was I…? Ah, dunderheads in the dungeons – what do they call themselves, 'Presto'? That's a play on words, is it? And what does it mean? Well, find out. If it turns out to be something to do with cooking, then they're barred: ditto needlepoint, mushroom-growers anonymous, or a vampyre appreciation society.

"Yes, you remember the bunch of so-called 'Goths' I had to forcibly evict last term. The ones wagging off outdoor activities for fear of cultivating colour in their cheeks. Yes, they were also growing mushrooms. Well, I don't want the incident to be repeated, not least because I had to apologise to the parents and spend two weeks brewing a tan-reduction potion when they all turned orange. I'll leave it to you to issue the warnings, then.

"Is there something wrong with your hand, Lightfoot? Your quill, then? Has it been hexed? Pick the damned thing up, I haven't got all day!

"Hmm. I believe I was about to discuss the matter of my birthday celebrations. I wish to issue a press release. I believe that is your job, which is why you're here. You're a Capricorn too? Hmm Fascinating. Really. You're going to be how old? Girl, when I was your age I was risking my life spying on sadistic murderers and insane overlords and helping to save the world – I hardly think PR is frightening enough to have your hand shaking like that!

"Shall we move on? Professor Severus Snape would like it to be known – yes, I'm dictating now – that, although the interest in his birthday is flattering, the manner in which some individuals and groups have been reportedly celebrating leaves something to be desired.

"For example, a simple toast with a fine wine or whiskey would be acceptable; becoming completely inebriated and singing Muggle songs containing the words 'happy birthday dear Sevvikins' outside my rooms at 3am is not.

"Ditto birthday cards addressed to 'Sevvikins', 'Sevvie-poos' and 'Alan Rickman look-alike'. Who is this Rickman anyway? No, I'm asking you a question, don't write that down. An actor? Merlin's balls …. Impersonating me? Make a note of his name for me, would you?

"Next: presents. My wish list can be found filed at Borkin & Burkes, Slug and Jiggers Apothecary and Obscurus Books. I do not appreciate second-hand ladies underwear, self-tanning cosmetic wipes or bottles of shampoo. The leather items, however, I will accept, just this once, thank you, Lightfoot. Yes, they were my colour.

"Lastly, I would like to say everyone should consider this the warning for future birthdays. Deviations form my wishes may result in much unpleasantness

"You may underline those last two words for emphasis.

"Do you know the current whereabouts of my private messenger bird? Remind her that a hangover does not excuse her for turning up late for work.

"Give it to me …. As I thought: poor punctuation and spelling, Lightfoot. Hm. I certainly did not embellish the details of your gift, you may remove the words 'black' and 'shiny', I don't want to encourage those fangirls now, do I? You've dropped your quill again. For the love of dragons – what is that matter with you? Copy this press release out properly, and dispatch it immediately, Lightfoot. On second thoughts, give me your notes, and I'll do it myself!"

_---_

_Thanks to The Leaky Cauldron for the info on Wizarding shops._

Please review!


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